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hello.   
01:41am 25/04/2005
  as you may or may not have gathered from my user info page, this was a secondary journal. well, i've decided to merge them. i'm going to mix the content my primary journal (since sept 26, 2002!) and the deeper more emotional content from this one in a new journal.

this new journal is:

[info]gray_fluid


i encourage you to add me.

i thank you for your time.		  
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hiatus   
05:51am 18/04/2005
  i apologise for the lack of updates. i've been busy posting more frivolous things in my primary journal.LOL However more recently, there has been a constant flow of day-to-day things that need attention in my life. As a result I have not had a single moment to sit and stew in my own juices about the greater questions. I suppose this is a good thing - to be distracted by occupation.  
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in need of love?   
01:50am 06/04/2005
  part of me really wants to be dating someone. part of me wants to be in love - to have love, to feel love. i dont mean family style love.. (lol that sounds funny), i mean intimate love (but i dont mean sex) grr this isn't coming out right LOL

i have some desperate female friends who think that the "perfect guy" is the solution to all their troubles. this is not what i mean. i just want someone to hold me, i want to hold him, i want cuddling with both physical and emotional warmth. its been yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears. too long without. YET, i'm not sure how someone would fit into my life right now. as i previously stated, i feel that a relationship now would be unfair as i would not be able to give myself to them. but, is that just now, or always?		  
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spring is here   
06:48pm 05/04/2005
  i spent the day in the yard cleaning up the remains of last year's leaves. amongst the rubble and the deliquent neighbors beer caps, was this sure sign of spring.



today i was glad to be unemployed and outside.		  
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today is a beautiful day   
02:06pm 05/04/2005
  btw, i'm already retreating from this journal. i've had the urge to delete it twice today. LOL anyhoo..

I doubt my father's pride in me. i feel i didn't live up to my fathers expectation. he got his undergrad at Brown, and his masters at Boston University.. and i didn't even try to go to college. i've never really applied myself. he knew, and i know that when there is something i really really want to do, i put my mind to it and accomplish it with success. but that ambition doesn't grow on trees for me. it is very rare that i'm overcome with such motivation.

i'm not sure if the doubts i have about my fathers pride are founded. In a situation that i should be solid on, i have doubt. i always think that i'm not up to par.. so this could just be another case of that. I remember being at my father's side in the hospital. He was in so much pain and discomfort. I was crying, telling him that i loved him so much. It took so much strength for him to say just a couple of words.. but he responded to me... saying that it didn't need to be said - meaning the love was understood.


:::::::::::: just now, thinking of the hospital .. my eyes teared up. my heart aches. FUCK::::::::



OK, where was i....right ok. I think my father took pride in my intelligence and what i could do. I dont exactly wear these aspects on my sleeve And he wasn't into having a trophy family - he didn't need to display this sort of thing to the public.

....actually, as i write this, and i think through this... i'm realising there is no need for doubt. its like there is a part of me that tries to hide what i really truely know deep down inside. i know he was proud of me... or i know that right now.. but that could change tomorrow LOL.. as these sorts of feelings do.		  
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unlocking the door...   
02:12am 05/04/2005
  i dont know what it is. no no, i do know what it is. its fear. i'm afraid. i avoid taking chances, assume the role of the defeated before i even give myself the chance to attain or ascertain. now, in this post i'm specifically referring to being single for the most of my life. i've always been ok with being gay. the complications that arise in social practice arn't even specific to sexuality.. its just that i'm a closed person. i'm private and what scares me is the vulnerability i'll feel when i "let someone in". the very idea frightens me. I'm so guarded, and have been for so long, I'm not sure i'll know what to do... or if i'll be able to do it at all. will i freak out? will this discomfort be expressed through erratic behaviour? OR will i just shut the person out. Either way, i dont see this issue manifesting itself in a healthy manor.. or me being absolved of it before i screw shit up with said individual.

....on me being a closed person... case and point: i've had a LJ for years and have many readers who i know in real life and many who are "eFriends". I dont feel comfortable "discussing" or writing about this subject in that journal... i had to go create a super secret alt. journal.


there are no easy answers or solutions to what i want to change. it takes work and guess what... i'm the laziest person i know!		  
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popped cherry   
01:09am 05/04/2005
  well, here goes nothin'...

life. death. loss. love. fulfillment. self-esteem. happiness. realising ones potential. finding loving arms to wrap around me. striving to complete myself with undaunted conviction. oh yeah, crying too.

The journal user name is a title of a song by OPUSIII, and the user icons are from this movie called "The Dust Factory".

The song's title reflects what i am doing now... i dream of today, existing in this very moment - but in the body of a me who has ambition, accomplishments, love and happiness. Believe me, this is only a dream.. right now anyway.

The movie is another story.. i watched it last night and it was probably the most inspiring thing i've seen in years. It is a PG 'family' movie however its steeped in philosophical themes concerning life, death, loss and choosing what to do when confronted with them. Even though i'm just about 30 years old, i feel that i am the emotional equivilent to the main character who is like 14 or 15. I am searching for my 'paradise' just as main character Ryan is.

I'm crying more these days. My father passed away in january after being sick for a little over a month. I miss him and there is one day every two weeks that stop, look around the room and realise that he's gone. I also haven't had a personal relationship since 1998. And in that last one, I wasn't really mature enough to emotionally invest in it as one 'normally' would. I'm hoping to change this and other things. I feel that i've already wasted my life - and maybe i need to change this perception as well... so that i become more motivated to actually change things. LOL It's funny how cyclical things in life are.

more to come....		  
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dreaming_of_now
 
 

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